Great British Bake Off: Beans Week
by Old Toad
Summary: A lampoon: The Great British Bake Off is the most popular show on British TV, and it's ripe and overdue for a send up. So this is 'Beans Week'.


**The Great British Bake Off: Beans Week**

 _ **Cast:  
** The experts: Merry Barry & Pip Holywhoop  
The comedians: Soy Perky & Mellow Bee  
Various amateur bakers._

 **Pip:** Merry, you have asked our bakers to prepare baked beans on toast. What are you expecting?

 **Merry:** Well, Pip, the bread should be evenly toasted, crisp and not burnt. The butter should be evenly spread, not too thick.

 **Pip:** And the beans, Merry?

 **Merry:** Again, Pip, heated through, but not burnt. I'm looking for a neat, steaming pile of beans and tomato sauce in the middle of the toast, not overflowing onto the plate.

* * *

 **Mellow:** Bakers, you have one hour. Fingers on can openers … OPEN!

 **Pip:** Now, Elizabeth, what butter is that you are using?

 **Elizabeth:** One of my children is dairy intolerant, Pip, so I'm using this rape-seed oil substitute; it's called 'margarine'.

 **Pip:** Good luck with that, Elizabeth.

 **Merry:** Dwight, what beans are you using?

 **Dwight:** I've opened this can of beans in tomato sauce and to make it more interesting I'm going to add just a few spoons of this home-made chilli paste.

 **Soy:** Hot stuff!

 **Pip:** I'm looking forward to that. … Moving on; Ross: that looks different.

 **Ross:** I like a good plateful, so I'm cutting the loaf length-wise to get a bigger slice.

 **Merry:** You are slicing your own loaf?

 **Ross:** Yes, and I'll be toasting it under the oven grill.

 **Pip:** You are giving yourself a lot extra to do. I hope you haven't taken on too much.

 **Soy:** Don't leave it too late to open that can of beans!

 **Pip:** George, you are doing something different?

 **George:** I have this can of sausages in baked beans. I'm arranging the sausages on top of the bread as a sort of ring, and pouring the beans into the ring. You can get more beans on the toast that way.

 **Pip:** Interesting. You might find it easier to toast the bread first.

 **Soy:** Save me a sausage, George.

 **Mellow:** Francis, how is it going?

 **Francis:** I forgot to get the butter out of the fridge, so I've put it in the oven to soften.

 **Merry:** And you are doing something interesting with the beans?

 **Francis:** I've mixed a little corn flour with the tomato sauce to thicken it.

 **Pip:** Greenery, Demelza?

 **Demelza:** I'm garnishing my plate with a little watercress.

 **Merry:** So clever.

 **Soy:** Bakers! Your time is up. Plates at the end of your bench!

 **Pip:** I like this presentation: Francis has piped beans in tomato sauce onto his toast.

 **Merry:** These beans are cold. I expect hot beans.

 **Pip:** Looks terrific, but the taste …..

 **Merry:** Dwight's beans are steaming nicely; and he's cut the crusts off his bread.

 **Pip:** Let's see how it tastes. … The wholemeal bread is good, but you've overdone the chillies, Dwight.

 **Merry:** I like it.

 **Mellow:** You can do me beans on toast anytime, Dwight.

 **Pip:** Ross, these beans look good: a rich tomato sauce and evenly toasted bread. … It tastes good too - well done.

 **Merry:** Yes, just the right amount of sweetness. Beautiful.

 **Pip:** Next. Looks good, but cut into it and oh! Look Merry: soggy toast.

 **Merry:** Yes, Elizabeth, your toast was underdone and the rather watery sauce has soaked into it. Such a shame.

 **Pip:** Now George. George you are the only one who included sausages, and I like what you've done with them,

 **Merry:** Let's see how that tastes, shall we? … That's good: the sausages are meaty and nicely complement the tomato sauce.

 **Pip:** I agree. And you've got the temperature right too; those sausages are warm all the way through. Very well done!

 **Mellow:** I'm always ready to get my teeth into a hot sausage.

 **Merry:** Finally, Demelza. I like the idea of a garnish, and watercress is a good choice. … Oh dear, this toast is cold and soggy, not what it should be.

 **Pip:** No. What has happened is that you neglected to dry the watercress after washing it, and the water has seeped into the toast. Such a pity.

* * *

 **Soy:** Well, who is in the running for Star Baker this week? George?

 **Pip:** Certainly George; he showed a wide range of skills. I was particularly impressed how he was able to use a blowlamp to toast his bread without scorching the sausages.

 **Merry:** Ross too, I think. His extra effort in slicing the loaf lengthwise showed initiative, and he has the best looking beans.

 **Mellow:** And who is in danger of going home?

 **Merry:** I was very disappointed with Demelza's effort. She has shown real skill in the past, but this week's effort was a disaster.

 **Pip:** We've also got to consider Francis: his beans were cold, and he put the butter on far too thick.

* * *

 **Soy:** It is my exquisite joy to announce that this week's Star Baker is … GEORGE!

 **Mellow:** It falls to me to announce the judges' decision that we are saying goodbye to: … … … … Francis!

 **Francis:** I'm disappointed, of course, but not surprised. I didn't do well this week, and the others are all great cooks.

 **George:** Being Star Baker is a tremendous boost. I intend to show what I can do in this competition and take it as far as I can.

 **Mellow:** Next week is 'Potato Week'. Goodnight and good baking!

Credits roll.  
The End.

 _Did that wet watercress really ruin Demelza's toast, or could scheming George have had something to do with it?_


End file.
